DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time I have sex with my ex I can tell it’s as amazing for him as it is for me, but he always disappears and blocks me for a week or more afterwards.
We met online last year and clicked immediately. I am 43 and he’s 27 but he acts more like my age and everyone says I look as though I’m in my twenties.
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He was all I wanted and more. The sex was hot and passionate and I started falling for him.
But then he started cancelling on me, saying he didn’t want to develop strong feelings for me and didn’t want a relationship.
I thought I didn’t either, but our time together was so brilliant I was willing to give it a chance.
Eventually he gave in and we got into a full-on relationship. He made me laugh, we had the best time together before lockdown. I was walking on cloud nine all the time with a big smile on my face. Then one day he didn’t show up for a date. I got a call hours later saying he was sorry but it was over. He said he just couldn’t do a serious relationship.
My heart was broken but I am a strong woman and I picked up the pieces and got on with life.
A few weeks later he called saying he missed me and begged me to meet him.
Everything was just like we were before, fun and happy, then again, boom, he stopped contact.
This happened regularly every few weeks. He admitted he runs away as he can’t cope with how I make him feel.
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He carried on contacting me after lockdown started and we’ve been chatting on FaceTime.
The sexual chemistry is as strong as ever and we’ve been having steamy FaceTime sex which we’ve found excitingly different, but he still disappears for a week or two at a time.
I really have fallen in love with him. Each time he swears it is different this time, I believe him and then he goes AWOL again.
Why? It breaks my heart that he keeps running away. If he doesn’t want me then why can’t he leave me alone for good?
DEIDRE SAYS: He has told you why he does this – he is scared of the feelings you arouse in him – and of getting into a serious relationship.
It could be he has been badly hurt or let down in the past. That may have been in another adult relationship but fears of emotional intimacy often go way back to childhood experiences, having cold and distant parents or feeling abandoned.
Or perhaps the age gap is more of a factor than you realise. He does enjoy sex with you and you are great together now but maybe he sees any future long-term relationship being with someone nearer his age.
He’ll keep on yo-yoing and you’ll keep feeling hurt and used until and unless you set clear boundaries.
Be firm that there’s no more sex unless he first shows commitment.
My e-leaflet When Your Man Won’t Commit? can help you handle this.
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