Lockdown Facebook status updates to keep NZ sane

OPINION:

Some people have been expressing their lockdown frustrations online, so to help everyone stay friends below are some ready-made conciliatory Facebook status updates. Feel free to pick one appropriate to yourself then copy and paste.

The Toilet Paper Panic Buyer:

Look, I know you may have seen me on the Six O’clock News with three multi-packs of super-soft under my arm, but it’s really not what you think.

The real story is that (use as appropriate):

– The kids are keeping busy by making a life-size model of Hilary Barry. Boy, that woman just burns through the papier-mache.

– We’ve got a new Labrador puppy who thinks he’s in a TV ad, We’re going through a roll every five minutes and that doesn’t include what we need to mop up after him.

– Dad’s making his special curry as a lockdown “treat” and, well, you know what happened last time…

The Labour Supporter:

Dear Aotearoans,

I know I got a bit smug about the way things were going before the wheels fell off, but we were doing so well! Sadly Jacinda was a little too busy leading the world’s response to Covid to remember to get everyone vaccinated until it was a wee bit late. Still, let’s not forget that we spent the last six months living like kings while the rest of the world cowered inside – kind of like we’re doing now.

The National Supporter:

Dear Middle New Zealanders,

As we all know, everything this Prime Minister ever does is 100 per cent wrong, even when it’s later proved to be 100 per cent right. Despite that, I have no intention in rubbing the Government’s nose in the current rather tricky situation – particularly as it was caused by the transtasman bubble that I’ve been bleating on about for the last nine months. Anyway, I’m going to take advantage of this break to prepare myself for the next leadership contest.

The Anti-Vaxxer:

Hi Needlephiles,

Look I know you think I’m just being a bit selfish but there’s actually an enormous number of important, rational reasons why I don’t want to get vaccinated:

1- I don’t want to.
2- Why should I?
3- I don’t like needles.
4-Er.
5-That’s it really.

Anyway, my body, my choice. Please stop hassling me as I actually think that’s quite selfish of you, which makes us quits. Peace and love!

The Act Supporter:

Dear People Who Don’t Necessarily Live In Epsom,

It has recently been brought to my attention that not only is the lockdown tremendously inconvenient for business owners like myself, but also a real pain for everyone else as well! Sorry about that, but I was getting a little paranoid for a moment.

The Green Supporter:

Hey!

Boy, this lockdown is a pain. Still, no cars on the road has to be a good thing, right! I just hope it goes on long enough for my veggies to grow otherwise it’ll be a bit of a waste. I look forward to seeing you all on the other side and with luck our electric vehicles should be charged by then.

The NZ First Supporter:

My Dear Friends,

Please go away, I have no wish to catch Covid through the internet. I’m staying in the bedroom until this all blows over and my Gold Card becomes of some bloody use again. Please pass my tea and biscuits under the door, thank you.

The Conspiracy Theorist:

Dear Sheeple,

This is a sad day. I have spent the last year trying to point out the trap you’re falling into, but sadly my warnings have not worked, and we are all doomed. When the inevitable happens I reserve the right to say, “I told you this would happen!” as we’re getting marched onto the alien spaceship.

However, in the meantime, just to keep you happy, I will go along with your silly lockdowns, vaccinations, masks etc just so we can have a happier last few weeks together on Earth. Still, who knows, maybe I could be wrong! (I’m not, of course.)

Everybody Else Who Is Just Trying To Stay Cheerful About the Whole Bloody Thing:

Hi Guys,

It’s ironic to find that the people that you love most in the world can also drive you completely nuts if you’re locked in the same house for days. Still, we’ll manage.

Be kind, be funny, and look after yourselves.

In the meantime, here’s a picture of some bread I made:

– Paul Catmur writes a weekly column for the Herald on Sunday on how to make the most out of being mediocre.

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