CRAIG BROWN: Bad catarrh? Just swap it for a banjo!

CRAIG BROWN: Bad catarrh? Just swap it for a banjo! All your health questions answered by Dr Donald

Q: What is your recommended cure for insomnia, Dr Donald? 

DR DONALD: You’ve asked the right guy. You know what? I have the best insomnia, one of the highestrated insomnias in all the world. Nobody counts sheep like I do. In the space of two minutes, I can count a million, two million sheep. And you know what? They are all great patriots, terrific supporters of the President. Every time one of those sheep jumps over a fence, he turns to look at me, and you know what he says? He says, ‘Thank you very much, Mr President, for liberating so many sheep, for letting all us sheep have such a great, great life, and for giving us all these beautiful fences to jump over!’ They love me, the sheep — and I love them! 

Q: During the recent spell of cold weather up here in Alaska, I developed chilblains on my toes. How should I deal with them, Dr Donald? 

United States President Donald J. Trump (L) speaks during a virtual Town Hall at Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, USA, 03 May 2020

DR DONALD: Chilblains are very, very nasty, so weak and stupid, never had a primetime show, worth peanuts. Losers! So dumb! I mean, who would want to hang out on the end of people’s toes? I have it on very, very good authority that chilblains are all Democrats. You want a cure? You’ve got to get some beautiful childblain ointment, it comes in a tube. Then you just put the ointment on a spoon, and swallow it down. 

Q: My nextdoor neighbour is suffering from catarrh. Any suggestions, Dr Donald? 

DR DONALD: No one wants catarrh next door. Or drums. So noisy! So rude! Close all your windows, insert ear plugs and tell the guy next door to take up something a whole lot quieter, like harp or banjo. 

Q: I have conjunctivitis, better known as Pink Eye. Could you recommend something for it, Dr Donald? 

DR DONALD: There’s something very, very special about Pink Eye, its the beautiful companion condition to Orange Face. You know, and this is the truth, my doctors tell me I have the pinkest eyes they’ve ever seen, they’d even be great on someone half my age. You ask me to recommend something for Pink Eye. Why don’t you try bathing your eyes in Candy Floss? That way, you should get some nice flaky bits around the corners of your eyes, too. And, by the way, every doctor I’ve spoken to has told me: ‘Your tip for Pink Eye is just incredible.’ And they never said that to Obama, not once. 

Q: I have heard some people say asbestos is the cause of Asbestosis. Can this really be true, Dr Donald? I would appreciate your advice. 

Stock image of an acoustic guitar 

DR DONALD: You know why it’s called asBESTos? The clue’s in the title. It’s because it’s the BEST. Believe me, it’s one of the healthiest of all building materials, and that’s why they don’t want you to know about it. I use it for everything. My beautiful hair is over 80pc asbestos, and I’ve never had a problem with it. That’s something the lamestream media never tell you, because they want to keep it for themselves, so untrustworthy. Next question! 

Q: My son has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Any suggestions for a cure, Dr Donald? 

DR DONALD: Could you ask that again, three more times. And then ask the same question, touching your toes. Luckily, my senior medics assure me I am entirely free of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, touch wood. My cure for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is first to make a circle with your forefinger and thumb, then to spread both hands away from the body, and to keep repeating these two gestures while talking without interruption for an hour or more. And here’s the thing — if you don’t do that, the sneaky Chinese will come and ruin your life. Next question! 

Q: For the past three or four years, I have experienced increasingly high levels of anxiety. Advice, please, Dr Donald! 

DR DONALD: Let no one tell you there’s anything bad or wrong about anxiety. Fake news! Anxiety is one of our greatest national resources. In this great country, we have so much anxiety, we want to share it with the world. Nobody can deal with anxiety like I do! I have built up higher levels of anxiety than any other President in our nation’s history, at least that’s what they tell me. And I am so proud of that, so proud. We have a surplus, and that’s why it’s our job as a nation to treasure it and to protect it, with all the guns and firearms at our command. Next! 

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